Togetherness ≈ the key to overcoming anything
We all want to belong, to be loved, and have someone to share ourselves with. Relationships replace the emptiness in our lives. We look for and try to build relationships in different areas of our lives. But the one relationship that makes the biggest impact on our life is a personal relationship with the person we choose to share all aspects of our life.
To make relationships work takes a lot of hard work, determination, and patience. Love, friendship, companionship, understanding, and communication are all essential elements of a relationship. But they are not the foundation. If you’re not on the same page of what your relationship is and where it’s going, you don’t have the foundation for the future.
After yet another argument the two of you had, he has become unusually cold and distant and lets you know that he sees no point to go on and is done with your relationship. You have built a family with this person and have shared close to ten years together.
Right or wrong, every single time you have crossed this bridge you have found one way or another to give him a reason to stay. Were you wrong to do this? Did you, by stopping him, deprive him of seeing what his life would be without you? Without the family the two of you built? As it turns out, maybe you have.
I have faced this situation more times than I can count. And regardless all the efforts and improvements we keep circling back to him wanting to leave and me wanting him to stay. Interesting enough, it has never been me who was ready to give up on our family and relationship.
I haven’t felt happy for a long time, I don’t feel appreciated, desired, or understood, also he sees me as unsuccessful, old, unattractive, unintelligent, someone who reads the wrong books, watches the wrong movies, doing the wrong things, or the right things the wrong way, and in general good for nothing person who’s ruining his life. Still I never thought of leaving. I never gave him a silent treatment or deprived him of anything. I love too strong, give too much, and forgive too fast. And still, I always look for a reason to stay. We have a love of the souls with incompatible minds. Try living through that.
You might wonder WHY? What’s wrong with me, why would anyone put themselves through that? I don’t know, I don’t understand it fully myself yet, maybe someday I will. The closest I can come to at this point is time is that I love too deep, gave all of me to him and our relationship, and forgive too soon.
This often makes me think of the popular phrase “Why do we always want what no longer have”? Why does it take walking out to see how good it was? To see what really mattered and what were minor, insignificant things not worth a second thought.
More more reason to put out there for always stopping him is that I don’t want him to hurt when he realizes what he had and lost because he thought “the grass is greener on the other side”. The reason I think that would happen is because I see how hard he tries for his family. He takes care of his family financially and through making sure that everyone is able to take part in hobbies they want and that everyone is happy. But in the end he’s not happy to be home and keeps wanting to be free… he thinks that life would be better, happier, and simpler on the other side of the fence.
Give him space. Or try to give him as much space as you can. Don’t try to influence his decision by reminding him why he should stay. Let him choose to love or not to love, to stay or go. He’s a grown man and needs to decide for himself if his family and you matter to him and to what extent. In the end, if he stays it will be because of what he wanted and what mattered to him and his decision would not be influenced by what you or anyone else says or thinks. You will be glad you did because it will show you that he’s here because he wants to be.
This is a lot easier said than done. How do you stand back and watch as he makes the decision that influences not only his life but yours as well? Do you not have a say in something that affects you just as much as it does him? If a relationship is started based on a mutual agreement, shouldn’t an end of one be mutually agreed on?
Another reason to consider in letting go without your input on the decision is that the person letting go has only his point of view, his feelings, and belief about what thinks he knows. At this point he’s basing it on what he thinks will be better. What if you let go without clarifying all the facts and putting all the dots on the “i”s?
I’m all for fighting to the end and finding ways to stay together and fix things. I’ve shown it by living it. I suppose the closest you can come to knowing if you should keep fighting or let go is finding out if you’re in it together. If both of you want to stay in this relationship and keep trying until you find the solutions to the problems. You keep trying and trying again no matter how many times you fail, you keep trying, letting lessons learned make your bond grow stronger.
However, if it’s only one of you wants to stay together, if it’s only one of you who still thinks your love, and family is worth fighting for – then, unfortunately the time is being wasted for all involved.
The only way to succeed in overcoming the challenges and hurdles on the path of relationships is “together“.
If you find yourself in a related situation or have similar thoughts I hope you find comfort in this post and over time find your path to happiness
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